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May. 27th, 2010



THESE FUCKERS ARE LIKE.. YEEEEEEEARS BEHIND HAHAHAA. Oh man I'm so glad I don't wear tails/collars anymore. Back then we were just having fun, we didn't legitimately believe we were goddamn werewolves lol.


May. 21st, 2010



Really wish I knew why my hair was falling out. Weird things continue to happen. >_>

Saw Ironman2 finally! I liked it. :D I think the first one was better BUT I was still very entertained throughout. The part where he had to check his blood toxicity I was like HE'S A NUCLEAR DIABETIC!!!1! Let's be blood buddies, Tony Stark. /highfive!

Tomorrow's my cousin's wedding. It's a suuuuper casual beach wedding, as in we're required to wear cute shirts and flipflops lol. Mom and I hit Old Navy the other day to buy some flipflops and ended up buying new pants (FINALLYYYYYYY), a really cute hoodie, and an adorable pair of board shorts. I can finally go swimming in shorts that aren't literally 12 years old! :D But yeah I'm actually looking forward to it. My cousin's preggers so the guy is trying to do the right thing and marrying her. I had my doubts about those two before but I think they'll do okay. Babies do weird things to everyone involved - hopefully those will be good things. Btw she's due in uhhh a month or two I think! Time flies!

Yesterday I went out with friends and got some lunch. I didn't take enough insulin so when I checked later my numbers were too high. Not a big deal, I can cover it when I eat dinner. In the meantime I just gotta wait it out. So I get on WoW to raid, lalala no biggie right? I played like shiiiit. It was SO HARD to focus on more than one thing at a time. I guess it's a side effect of high blood sugar or something..? Felt really bad for messing up our run so much. Eventually ate dinner and was feeling normal again, my play improved but by then we were stopping for the night. Sucks that something so little can fuck me up so much. Still learning I guess.

Also does anyone else have this problem? Everyday at 5PM my wireless will start sputtering. Happens everyday without fail. My wireless is unsecured so I KNOW at least a couple of my neighbors use it. It's just weird that right at 5PM, BAM wobbly internet. I imagine someone immediately starts downloading porn the second they get home. @__@

Chugging along on commissions still.

May. 4th, 2010



Kinda girly TMI but...Collapse )

I'm wondering why I'm so hungry this time around. My numbers have been good so it's not that. Right now I dunno what to do because I'm hungry enough to eat a full meal but I just ate one less than an hour ago! Being hungry might be part of the light-headed feeling, idk.

I gotta get something to eat.. T_T

May. 3rd, 2010



Name your top 10 favorite artists/bands. (in no particular order)
❶ Matchbox Twenty
➋ Everclear
➌ Daft Punk
➍ The Pillows
➎ Dido
➏ Yoko Kanno
➐ No Doubt
➑ Seabound
➒ Muse
➓ Lady GaGa

and the rest~Collapse )

Hmm updates.

Not much going on. Still getting a handle on the diabeetuz. Apparently my sugar levels go INSANE during my time of the month. Like it gets really random and it's hard to control. Ugh. Needles are getting easier but sometimes I still fight with the big nighttime injection. Fucking hurts no matter what I do. I really just have to deal with it.

Foodwise I'm not starving anymore. I think I put on a couple more pounds since the last time I checked but that's not a bad thing. I actually have a figure now, how weird is that. It might be time to buy jeans bigger than size 0-1 lol.

I still have to be picky about what I eat and how much. Still getting used to portion control. I usually take the right amount of insulin but sometimes I'm a couple units off. I'm never WAY off which is good though.

Mom and I got some stuff taken care of and now I'm on a government program that lets me buy insulin for $5 a refill. It's not effective until I get a special card-thingy in the mail but it's a huge relief for both of us. It only lasts a year but hopefully by then I'll have a job and health insurance. I can has insurance?

Jobs.. I honestly haven't looked around lately. I've been a little down for the last couple months understandably lol. I'm really glad I have my friends though, I really enjoy hanging out with them. I had to cut my visit short a couple days ago because I forgot my lancet device (thing that pricks your finger) at home and I really wanted to check my levels after a couple big carb meals. The levels were too high lol.

Part of me doesn't know what to look for in a job anymore. I have my commissions but I haven't had the will to do them lately. I see the emails and just kinda.. sigh.. That aside I haven't liked anything I've drawn lately. I try to just doodle, no pressure, and I don't even like what I come up with then.

Ultimately I guess life could be worse but it could be better too. I'm kinda just floundering here, not really sure what to do with myself anymore.
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Apr. 4th, 2010



6.9 magnitude quake out here in SoCal. GEE THANKS BAJA CALI FOR KNOCKING A BUNCH OF CRAP OFF MY SHELVES! Happy easter to you too jerks!

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Mar. 19th, 2010


updates again

I'm almost back to normal for the most part. Well, as normal as I can get now lol.

I had another visit with the specialist yesterday and she was very pleased with my numbers for the last few weeks. Apparently I'm on "autopilot" when it comes to mealtime dosages and that most people have to take a special carb-counting class to do what I've managed to figure out on my own. I'm still experimenting with different dosages for every meal, like I used to take 4 for my oatmeal but now I can take 1-2 and be just fine (assuming I take a walk).

Speaking of I take little 20 minute walks now after breakfast. Just around the neighborhood and back. I can tell it's made a difference in general. I feel more solid again, not so fragile like I was for a couple months before all this. It's a good feeling lol. Curiously, because of my new diet and exercise, I think I'm healthier now than I ever was before.

I'm back to my normal weight before I started dropping it all suddenly. From 98lbs to 114lbs in a month LOL. The specialist says I'm still technically underweight for my height but honestly I'd like to stay around this number. It's what I've been for years and I kinda like it lol.

The only problem is inject sites on my body. I'm supposed to alternate where I inject everyday from meal to meal but I've only been able to find one spot where I can tolerate it. I try different spots but it's quite painful. I have to fight really hard to inject anywhere else but if I keep injecting in the one spot I'll develop fibrous tissue under the skin and I won't be able to get the needle through. T_T Soo I dunno. Keep trying I guess.

Something else, I've developed this stupid little gut. It's bizarre because I have no obvious fat anywhere on me but then I've got a gut! It's cartoonish and obnoxious. It kind of developed before I was diagnosed (when I was eating/drinking so much) and I figured once I got my sugars/diet under control it would go away but it hasn't. @_@ I asked the specialist about it and she said the only thing that could be there is either muscle or fat and that if it continues to bother me I should see our family doctor. T_T It's not fat but tight muscle so it must be my gut or something. I'm gonna experiment with my diet for a bit and see if maybe it's something I've been eating..? @_@

But overall I'm much better these days. I'm not afraid to go out to dinner with friends and such like I used to. Still need to find a better inject site because the current one requires me to visit the restroom. Not so fun lol.

Anyway since I am feeling better it's time to get back to work with commissions and such. I feel so bad because I was all set to finish them on time and then BAM this whole mess happened. T__T

Mar. 8th, 2010



Let's see, what have I been up to.

Overall I had a really nice weekend. Got my hair cut, had a really pleasant evening with the family, and hung out with mom all saturday. We even went on a walk after breakfast and found this secret swing set and jungle gym in a hidden clearing in the forest. Swings!

Over the last week I've been trying to get a handle on my insulin dosages. I thiiink I'm getting the hang of it. My numbers are jumping around a lot less and I haven't spiked over 150-something in days.

I'm starting to understand what I can eat and it turns out I really can eat anything as long as I'm good about it and take the right amount of insulin to cover it. Saturday I went to my aunt's house for her birthday. My aunt is an AMAZING cook, the best I know. She can make everything/anything from scratch and it always tastes so so so great. For her birthday she wanted to make a huge thanksgiving feast, complete with a 17lb turkey, homemade mashed potatoes, homemade cranberry sauce, homemade yorkshire pudding.. homemade everything! It was a full on FEAST. I ate a ton of turkey but also had a good-sized helping of potatoes. Before all this I used to LIVE for those potatoes, she makes them perfect. After that I even had a good-sized slice of phenomenally moist and creamy lemon cake. 2 hours later my numbers... were good! I was so surprised I took the right dose of insulin.

Physically I've been feeling a lot better, probably because everything I eat is good for me now. Before I used to eat pure crap. Delicious processed crap lol. BUT I'm finding a lot of ways to have my favorite foods without sacrificing much. Yesterday mom and I grilled up mini cheeseburgers wrapped in romaine lettuce. I've never had lettuce-wrapped food before. It's not bad!

One thing I absolutely adore is the oatmeal I've been making. I never liked oatmeal before but maybe I just never made it right. I put in flaxseed meal, cooked lentils, and walnut chunks and then scoop in a scrambled egg + ham bits. It's just a big bowl of awesome. Nice and hot and hearty.

I even found a way to make diabetic-friendly hot cocoa using "diet" Swiss Miss and almond milk. Surprisingly tastes just like the regular stuff! I am super fond of cocoa and I'm so happy I can still have it.

I'm still putting on weight and I think I'm slightly less boney. Still hoping to get some more cushion on my butt. Sitting in chairs is painful. :x

Emotionally I'm feeling better too, probably because I don't physically feel like crap anymore lol. Some days are harder than others but I'm surviving. Today I'm hoping to go out to the movies with some friends. It'll be my first outing with them since all this happened so I'm looking forward to it. It's important to get back into the swing of things and to live normally like before, or as normal as I can get. WHOOPS forgot Tig's surgery is today. XD; Uhhh maybe movies after she recovers lol!

Mar. 2nd, 2010



Soooo my UCI visit was today. First of all, I was sent there because I had no insurance. I was told UCI would work with me on this. I get in there. $200 up front fee, not including the cost of the doctor. Wtf right?

So then they take me back and weigh me and all that (I gained 4lbs in the last week holy shit yes) and I'm sitting there waiting for the doctor. UCI is connected to a medical school so there's students walking around giving examinations. It was my understanding that this was part of the reason why UCI would work with uninsured people, because I'm basically going to be examined by students. WHATEVER. Student comes in, very nice, does my tests on me but doesn't actually know how to answer my questions. She leaves, real doctor comes in. Real doctor looks at my chart and pretty much tells me the exact same stuff the specialist told me last week in about 2 minutes and with a very heavy accent. Uhhh...

So after hearing him reiterate the few things I already DO know about this, my mom pipes up like "what the hell, who is going to answer our questions?" And it turns out the diabetes nutritionist was in that morning and her appointment didn't show up, so the doctor finds her and brings her in. GREAT lady, totally awesome lady. Talking with her for 10 minutes made me feel soooo much better about everything, but 10 minutes was all she could spare at the moment. We decided to make an appointment with her next time for sure.

So theeen we're done, we go up front to pay. 2 minutes of the doctor telling us shit we already knew = $72. What's hilarious is he wants to see me again in 2 weeks, which might be okay except then we'd have to pay $200 up front AGAIN. PER VISIT. Bullshit.

Anyway we can't make an appointment with the nutritionist until I get into some kind of insurance program at the hospital, so we go looking for the services building. Apparently they're doing construction on the center so the map locations didn't match the physical locations (lol) and we walked around for about 20 minutes completely lost.

Finally we find the place. It's this tiny little office with these 2 fat women in there gossiping. Turns out I have to make an appointment by phone, and then I have to bring in a bunch of information including a county-certified birth certificate. Okay fine whatever. How long will it take to get approval once I bring all this crap? 8-12 weeks.....

We're completely fed up by now and head home. We stop off by Ruby's for a burger. Ended up testing my blood in the car. Fuck it lol. First time eating out since the diagnosis, injected in the bathroom. I wonder what the lady in the next stall thought I was doing making click-click-click noises lol.

Come home, mom calls our family doctor who referred us to UCI in the first place, explained the situation and he agreed it was bullshit. The specialist I saw before (who was really cool actually) cost the same amount as the UCI visit, and I wouldn't have to pay $200 every visit. So we're gonna see her from now on until I get on an insurance program.

He also told us about a diabetes information and nutrition course being offered at HOAG hospital. Hopefully that will work out, because right now what I really need is more education and information on this.

So yeah that was my big important UCI visit today, the one they called 3 times to confirm yesterday. Epic waste of money and time.

Mar. 1st, 2010


(no subject)

I am very tired but I think I'm doing better. I think. I'm still trying to figure out insulin doses for each meal. Numbers are slowly coming down to normal levels with some bullshittery in between.

Today after breakfast they dropped from 168 to 82. Que big holy shit/eat something NOW moment. Breakfast was an egg/cheese/ham scramble with half a piece of toast lolwut. 80's not bad but it was unsettling how far it dropped. Less than 1 cup of Kashi cereal (multigrain wholesome organic nothing added super-good-for-you stuff) later and it shoots back up to 280. Bullshit.

Still really depressed but not spontaneously crying anymore so I guess it's an improvement. Physically I can tell I have more energy and my mom thinks I already look less boney. My body isn't used to eating a lot of these new foods so I haven't been feeling all that great. I had a salad a little bit ago and my stomach is sooo unhappy. Eating Tums like candy. All I want is a donut.

I'm not allowed to drive so I've been stuck in the house for the past week. I sleep as long as I can to put off testing my blood in the morning. When I'm awake I mostly stare at the TV all day. I have no interest in drawing, no interest in the computer. I don't even want to play WoW. I sign on for like 5 minutes and sign off. I'm afraid to go out and do something with my friends because I don't know what we'll do and if I need to bring my needles and shit. Food-wise I am a burden, especially since I'm still not 100% sure what I can/can't eat and in what portions.

Tomorrow is my UCI appointment with the diabetes center. I have no idea what that will entail. No idea at all. All I know is they've called me 3 times today to confirm it so I guess it's important.

Feb. 25th, 2010

grin gear

(no subject)

I'm sorry for the emo vomit earlier. I've just been very sad lately. Very very.. very very sad lol. I don't get emotional often (like never) but when I do I can visit some very dark places in my mind. I don't like being sad or mad and I don't like crying but all I've been is sad, mad, and crying for the last few days lol. Understandable I guess.

It's hard though, coming to terms with everything. Probably the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. Right now I really hate my body and I hate myself. I'm having trouble accepting that I'll never be better. I'll never be cured. Maybe it's because I'm still young but the term "life-long" feels so huge and intimidating and it makes me feel even more hopeless. I must remember that life is a day-by-day sort of thing and I guess I'll have to deal with this the same way.

I got a lot of info from my friends in the previous post and on AIM, so thank you guys for that. Epic cryfest with mom helped too lol. I felt a lot better just talking and getting food ideas. God I love eating. I have some plans for breakfast now lol.

I technically skipped dinner going on this emo trip so I guess I should go do that.. needle.. do not want. T_T

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